Because sometimes we need a comedy about depression instead of a drama.
Daily Schedule:
8:00 am - Lez be real, even non-depressed people don't get up this early unless they have too
9:00 am - First alarm cruelly rips you from your beautiful dream about a beautiful man and the beautiful life you have together
9:15 am - Second alarm repeats process furthering the beautiful man from your reach even more
9:30 am- Third alarm goes off and you put a pillow over your head to convince yourself the world will go away if you ignore it
10:00 am - You turn off all remaining alarms telling yourself you're only going to lie in bed for 5 more minutes
.....
12:00 pm - You wake in a quick jolt and realized that you've missed plans for coffee with friends and then tell yourself it's okay because it's their fault for thinking you would get out of bed
1:00 pm - You finally leave the bed after checking the weather, instagram, playing a couple games of plague to make yourself feel better by killing off the entire world
2:00 pm - You've finally put yourself together, bathed if necessary, brushed teeth and put on clothes that remotely look like you put effort in your appearance where honestly you just had to smell check every piece of clothing
2:30 pm - You get coffee and tell yourself that coffee is wonderful and makes life worth living
3:00 pm - You realize you have no plans and or having done anything you intended on doing.
3:30 pm - You rummage fridge for contents of what makes up your breakfast and/or lunch
4:00 pm - Take a nap
.....
6:00 pm - You try and make dinner plans but people are busy and your lazy so you just snack on chips
6:20 pm - You start binge watching anything on Netflix
....
2:00 am - You take break from binge watching tv and realize that you should probably be asleep and convince yourself to climb in bed.
Wash, rinse and repeat
Friday, July 24, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
What Depression Is Really Like
To get to the root of what depression feels like, first you need to know what it is.
Depression (in my own words): is a mood disorder that causes feelings of sadness, hopelessness, etc. that lasts for an extended period of time. It can be so problematic that the person suffering cannot live a normal life.
In comparison, I'll give you a definition of sadness
Sadness: usually a emotional state that can last for a couple to a few days. It may be intense in the moment but it usually subsides after a short bit of time.
Why am I making the distinction between depression and being sad? Well, many very good intentioned people sometimes try to relate to depressed people and say 'Oh yeah, I was depressed for like a week when...' No, you were not depressed but rather you were extremely sad and going through a hard time and yes I do understand how hard that is, I do, but that is not depression.
A wonderful friend of mine wrote a blog post and has some video links that is basically all about the point I'm trying to make and it's a lot cooler than me writing about it. Check it out!
Hannah's really awesome blog post about depression!
Did you click the link? Good. Watch the videos? Great. Now back to business.
My depression comes in varied states and affect my life from mildly there to crippling. It depends on many factors but even on days where nothing goes wrong depression can have it's hooks in me so deep. Today I had an averagely good day. I didn't work, I had time to myself. I finally got a good night's sleep after an exhausting week. I got to watch some doctor who and sit in a coffee shop and drink delicious lattes. However, as I sit here at night unable to sleep my mind tells me that I'm stupid and unlovable and that's all I can feel. I can feel depression tear me down and as much as I try and not let it, it's exactly what it does. I can sit here on a random good day and by the time that the day is done, I have the thought of 'I wish I didn't exist anymore'. I don't know if you would call that suicidal or not but that is how much of my life is spent.
The other reality of depression, you won't always look like you're depressed. You still laugh, you still smile, you still make plans and see people. Depression can manifest itself in different ways, I've literally struggled to get out of bed for weeks, not wanting to see anyone, not bothering to take care of myself but I've also struggled with depression in the midst of a normal day while have a 'good' time with a friend and having no reason to feel the emptiness that can consume me. Depressed people don't always look depressed. I do a fairly decent job at seeming like I have my life together when really some days I will sit in my bath tub and cry uncontrollably in the shower for nearly 30 minutes.
I don't really have a really good wrapping up point. Mainly cause this was the introduction information about depression. Also keep in mind that there's soooo much more about depression but there's only so much you can write in a single post. I will go into more aspects about depression and what not later on but for now I think this is a pretty good start. I have been wanting to write about my experiences dealing with depression and other things but a while but it's kinda pointless to do that without some background info on depression. Also please keep in mind that I'm just a girl who deals with depression and am not trying to sit here telling you how qualified I am to talk about this subject. I'm only writing this from my personal experience of depression with the hopes that you'll leave this post with a better understanding of what depression can be like. We all come from different walks of life but this just happens to be an important part of mine.
Depression (in my own words): is a mood disorder that causes feelings of sadness, hopelessness, etc. that lasts for an extended period of time. It can be so problematic that the person suffering cannot live a normal life.
In comparison, I'll give you a definition of sadness
Sadness: usually a emotional state that can last for a couple to a few days. It may be intense in the moment but it usually subsides after a short bit of time.
Why am I making the distinction between depression and being sad? Well, many very good intentioned people sometimes try to relate to depressed people and say 'Oh yeah, I was depressed for like a week when...' No, you were not depressed but rather you were extremely sad and going through a hard time and yes I do understand how hard that is, I do, but that is not depression.
A wonderful friend of mine wrote a blog post and has some video links that is basically all about the point I'm trying to make and it's a lot cooler than me writing about it. Check it out!
Hannah's really awesome blog post about depression!
Did you click the link? Good. Watch the videos? Great. Now back to business.
My depression comes in varied states and affect my life from mildly there to crippling. It depends on many factors but even on days where nothing goes wrong depression can have it's hooks in me so deep. Today I had an averagely good day. I didn't work, I had time to myself. I finally got a good night's sleep after an exhausting week. I got to watch some doctor who and sit in a coffee shop and drink delicious lattes. However, as I sit here at night unable to sleep my mind tells me that I'm stupid and unlovable and that's all I can feel. I can feel depression tear me down and as much as I try and not let it, it's exactly what it does. I can sit here on a random good day and by the time that the day is done, I have the thought of 'I wish I didn't exist anymore'. I don't know if you would call that suicidal or not but that is how much of my life is spent.
The other reality of depression, you won't always look like you're depressed. You still laugh, you still smile, you still make plans and see people. Depression can manifest itself in different ways, I've literally struggled to get out of bed for weeks, not wanting to see anyone, not bothering to take care of myself but I've also struggled with depression in the midst of a normal day while have a 'good' time with a friend and having no reason to feel the emptiness that can consume me. Depressed people don't always look depressed. I do a fairly decent job at seeming like I have my life together when really some days I will sit in my bath tub and cry uncontrollably in the shower for nearly 30 minutes.
I don't really have a really good wrapping up point. Mainly cause this was the introduction information about depression. Also keep in mind that there's soooo much more about depression but there's only so much you can write in a single post. I will go into more aspects about depression and what not later on but for now I think this is a pretty good start. I have been wanting to write about my experiences dealing with depression and other things but a while but it's kinda pointless to do that without some background info on depression. Also please keep in mind that I'm just a girl who deals with depression and am not trying to sit here telling you how qualified I am to talk about this subject. I'm only writing this from my personal experience of depression with the hopes that you'll leave this post with a better understanding of what depression can be like. We all come from different walks of life but this just happens to be an important part of mine.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Shame
I am not my sin
I am so much more.
I am not my past,
I have a bright eternal future.
Shame is a hard thing to deal with. Especially considering it's mostly self-inflicted. God sees no record of wrong, he doesn't see us by our sin. He calls us by name. But that truth is so often forgotten because the devil knows our name but calls us by our sin. It's so easy to forget that we are forgiven for our past mistakes, so easy to get wrapped up in guilt and pain.
We don't need to live like that but it's hard to see otherwise. It's hard to see past scars that you wear visibly on an arm, it's hard to see past the names of the people you've slept with. It's hard to see past the horrible things you've once said to someone you love. But I remind you that all sin is equal in the eyes of God. There is no 'well I screwed up worse than you because I did this'. We are all sinners and we are all broken. However I want to instill the knowledge that Jesus died for your sins all of them, past, present, future sins. There's nothing you can do that will take away God's love for you. He will always love you. By letting shame define your worth, you're just hurting yourself.
Now that's not me trying to say sin is okay and to go out and consciously go out and just sin because you can. That's not the point I'm making and I really hope that's not what you get out of this. But I want you to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to not be perfect because we are human beings, we screw things up. What I'm trying to say is that shame is one of the devils most used tricks at telling us that we are unworthy. We are unworthy but we have a Father who sent his son to become like us and die for our sins so that we can spend an eternity in heaven with our Father. He sees us with eyes full of love and arms stretched out wanting us to run into them.
I've been working on this post for a while and I was going to just end it right there but lately there's been a few blog posts about waiting/not waiting going around and I really wanted to just say my peace. Whoever you are, no matter what you have done YOU ARE LOVED. It doesn't matter if you consider yourself a christian or not. YOU ARE SO LOVED! More than you could ever possibly know or try and understand!
I have a sexual past, one that I am not proud of. I often get asked if I regret it which is where it gets complicated. I am who I am because of what I've done but I also say that knowing that I can't change what I've done. If I could I would go back to that girl who was so lonely, I would whisper in her ear and say 'You are loved, you deserve so much more!' But I can't, the only thing I can do is to move forward from it and reconcile with myself about what I've done. I don't wake up in the morning feeling shame that I'm not a virgin. I don't believe that is ever God's intention to make us feel shameful. Yes, he wants us to wait, he wants us to enjoy that gift in a marriage that honors him but most importantly he wants us to know how much he loves us and how much we are worth! Because YOU ARE SO WORTHY!
I hope these truths speak to you, in any circumstance, in any sin that you may be struggling with.
We are not our sin, we are so much more!
I am so much more.
I am not my past,
I have a bright eternal future.
Shame is a hard thing to deal with. Especially considering it's mostly self-inflicted. God sees no record of wrong, he doesn't see us by our sin. He calls us by name. But that truth is so often forgotten because the devil knows our name but calls us by our sin. It's so easy to forget that we are forgiven for our past mistakes, so easy to get wrapped up in guilt and pain.
We don't need to live like that but it's hard to see otherwise. It's hard to see past scars that you wear visibly on an arm, it's hard to see past the names of the people you've slept with. It's hard to see past the horrible things you've once said to someone you love. But I remind you that all sin is equal in the eyes of God. There is no 'well I screwed up worse than you because I did this'. We are all sinners and we are all broken. However I want to instill the knowledge that Jesus died for your sins all of them, past, present, future sins. There's nothing you can do that will take away God's love for you. He will always love you. By letting shame define your worth, you're just hurting yourself.
Now that's not me trying to say sin is okay and to go out and consciously go out and just sin because you can. That's not the point I'm making and I really hope that's not what you get out of this. But I want you to know that it's okay to mess up and it's okay to not be perfect because we are human beings, we screw things up. What I'm trying to say is that shame is one of the devils most used tricks at telling us that we are unworthy. We are unworthy but we have a Father who sent his son to become like us and die for our sins so that we can spend an eternity in heaven with our Father. He sees us with eyes full of love and arms stretched out wanting us to run into them.
I've been working on this post for a while and I was going to just end it right there but lately there's been a few blog posts about waiting/not waiting going around and I really wanted to just say my peace. Whoever you are, no matter what you have done YOU ARE LOVED. It doesn't matter if you consider yourself a christian or not. YOU ARE SO LOVED! More than you could ever possibly know or try and understand!
I have a sexual past, one that I am not proud of. I often get asked if I regret it which is where it gets complicated. I am who I am because of what I've done but I also say that knowing that I can't change what I've done. If I could I would go back to that girl who was so lonely, I would whisper in her ear and say 'You are loved, you deserve so much more!' But I can't, the only thing I can do is to move forward from it and reconcile with myself about what I've done. I don't wake up in the morning feeling shame that I'm not a virgin. I don't believe that is ever God's intention to make us feel shameful. Yes, he wants us to wait, he wants us to enjoy that gift in a marriage that honors him but most importantly he wants us to know how much he loves us and how much we are worth! Because YOU ARE SO WORTHY!
I hope these truths speak to you, in any circumstance, in any sin that you may be struggling with.
We are not our sin, we are so much more!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
The F Word/God's will
No, not that F-word. I'm talking about failure, well actually more so the fear of failure.
Have you ever been trying to do an assignment or talking yourself up to go do something that's a bit risky and just feel paralyzed with the thought of failing so you don't even try? Well that's what I'm talking about today ladies and gents. It seems to be a common phenomenon in my life. It's that moment I go to do something and I just can't. Maybe it's strong traits of procrastinating or the worry that your best isn't good enough. Who knows.
Fear of failure isn't just the fear of failing but even the fear of possibly failing to follow God's will. So often I feel stuck in my life and honestly it's because I get so caught up with the worry of trying to follow God's will to a perfect T. But that's not how it works. He doesn't just set us down on a straight path for us to follow, he gives us forks in the road. He gives us choices to make and sometimes we don't have the answers. That's where faith comes into all of this. We have to have faith in God and that he will close the doors that are meant to close and open new ones along the way.
Sometimes it may feel that no matter what we do we're going to fail. And if you let it that fear will eat you alive. That fear of failure will keep you paralyzed which is exactly what the enemy wants. But meeting with a dear friend this past week, a wonderful truth was spoken to me: God cannot guide you if you're not in motion. God doesn't want us to fear failure, he wants us to embrace it. He's going to close door after door but there will come a time when there's an open door and it leads to another and another.
Sometimes you're going to do something and a door will close but the important thing is that you're trying. By setting yourself in motion you're allowing God to guide you. We get so caught up in the idea of what success is and that if we fail once, we've failed for good. Thank heavens that this is not the case! I could never say what God's will is in a specific sense. But I have a pretty good idea in the broad realm. Our God wants us to seek him, spend time in his word, listen for him, be still in him and obey him. He doesn't just set his children down in a vast park and let them wander, he sets them on a path and as they walk along it, he puts road blocks on some routes and paves new roads along the way. All he asks us is to trust in him and listen to his guidance along the way!
Have you ever been trying to do an assignment or talking yourself up to go do something that's a bit risky and just feel paralyzed with the thought of failing so you don't even try? Well that's what I'm talking about today ladies and gents. It seems to be a common phenomenon in my life. It's that moment I go to do something and I just can't. Maybe it's strong traits of procrastinating or the worry that your best isn't good enough. Who knows.
Fear of failure isn't just the fear of failing but even the fear of possibly failing to follow God's will. So often I feel stuck in my life and honestly it's because I get so caught up with the worry of trying to follow God's will to a perfect T. But that's not how it works. He doesn't just set us down on a straight path for us to follow, he gives us forks in the road. He gives us choices to make and sometimes we don't have the answers. That's where faith comes into all of this. We have to have faith in God and that he will close the doors that are meant to close and open new ones along the way.
Sometimes it may feel that no matter what we do we're going to fail. And if you let it that fear will eat you alive. That fear of failure will keep you paralyzed which is exactly what the enemy wants. But meeting with a dear friend this past week, a wonderful truth was spoken to me: God cannot guide you if you're not in motion. God doesn't want us to fear failure, he wants us to embrace it. He's going to close door after door but there will come a time when there's an open door and it leads to another and another.
Sometimes you're going to do something and a door will close but the important thing is that you're trying. By setting yourself in motion you're allowing God to guide you. We get so caught up in the idea of what success is and that if we fail once, we've failed for good. Thank heavens that this is not the case! I could never say what God's will is in a specific sense. But I have a pretty good idea in the broad realm. Our God wants us to seek him, spend time in his word, listen for him, be still in him and obey him. He doesn't just set his children down in a vast park and let them wander, he sets them on a path and as they walk along it, he puts road blocks on some routes and paves new roads along the way. All he asks us is to trust in him and listen to his guidance along the way!
Monday, June 9, 2014
It's Summer!
So it's been a while...how ya been? To get back in the blogging game I thought we'd start off with a nice post of gifs and really witty remarks!
So you say it's summer eh?
Do you have everything you need? Sunglasses, hats, sunblock...maybe your flip flops?
But are you ready for young people to be everywhere? Because you're in college, or still on the job search post-graduation, you don't have time commitments necessarily that all your friends have much like the high-schooler's you have come to loathe.
Just breathe and remember you're older, you have age working on your side for once in your lifetime. Think about it...under 10 you're completely dependent on your parents, teens - you think you're invincible and do stupid things and have to battle acne, 20s- you have to pick a career/major and decide what to do with life (yes it is frustrating but at least that acne cleared up...for the most part) 30s- you're likely starting a family and won't have time to yourself for a very long time 40s- you're wondering how you got this old, weren't your kids just born yesterday, 50s- you stress about saving money for retirement, also if you'll be able to retire with the way the economy is going, and let's face it after that everything starts to go downhill besides for a few good senior discounts you get in your 60s. Point being your twenties are really working in your favor! However long live that moment from High School Musical 2 of Zac Efron...that sand throw.
However on a more serious note...you might like a lot of America might be feeling a little self-conscious after those winter months of packing on the pounds.
It's okay! Remember you're beautiful just the way you are! Thank Bruno for those words of encouragement!
Just remember to be your unique self...
And not impersonate someone else and you'll be fine!
And also it's lovely to be back! ;)
So you say it's summer eh?
However on a more serious note...you might like a lot of America might be feeling a little self-conscious after those winter months of packing on the pounds.
And also it's lovely to be back! ;)
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Making The Time
I'm really struggling with this lately and it's hard to be on the end where you feel like your friends have just not made time for you. This post isn't going to be encouraging, funny, but really more of a rant of I'm fed up.
My love languages, if you know me go in this order:
After having done this for several weeks in some friendships I've really had more of a revelation in that, if you're not going to try I don't want you in my life. It's hard but at the same time, I felt like in many of those relationships I was putting so much effort in that I stopped feeling like it was a mutual friendship and turned into a one-sided one. With recent events, that feeling is fresh in my mind. If you're not going to put time into having a friendship with me, then there really isn't a friendship there anyways.
You can't be friends with everyone. You have to decide who you want in your life, you have to prioritize the relationships in your life. You have to make the time for those people if you want to keep them in your life. And if you're like me, one day you might just have to let some of those friendships go so that others can grow. It's hard and it hurts but sometimes that's what you have to do. So I leave you with this, make sure you make the time for the important people in your life because really that's what matters.
My love languages, if you know me go in this order:
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Receiving Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
After having done this for several weeks in some friendships I've really had more of a revelation in that, if you're not going to try I don't want you in my life. It's hard but at the same time, I felt like in many of those relationships I was putting so much effort in that I stopped feeling like it was a mutual friendship and turned into a one-sided one. With recent events, that feeling is fresh in my mind. If you're not going to put time into having a friendship with me, then there really isn't a friendship there anyways.
You can't be friends with everyone. You have to decide who you want in your life, you have to prioritize the relationships in your life. You have to make the time for those people if you want to keep them in your life. And if you're like me, one day you might just have to let some of those friendships go so that others can grow. It's hard and it hurts but sometimes that's what you have to do. So I leave you with this, make sure you make the time for the important people in your life because really that's what matters.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
How To Survive Valentine's Day Single
Step 1: Don't leave your house
There's decorations, couples, love in the air. Don't go out there, it will suck you in, like a cult.
Step 2: Don't give your friends valentines
You're not 12, nor in love. It makes you seem sad so just don't do it.
Step 3: Don't watch romantic comedies
Stick to a nice action movie, like fast and the furious or hunger games (yes there's love but mainly the premise to stay alive)
Step 4: If you must watch a sappy movie, cry to it
No judgement, it's just you, your teddy and maybe a few cats watching the movie with you. Throw some chocolates when the man lies. It's very therapeutic.
Step 5: Don't buy candy
Unless you want to eat it all in a day and then carry that self-loathing for weeks. Don't do it. You don't need chocolate or a man to make you happy.
Step 6: Don't call your ex
A. You shouldn't still have his number
B. You broke up for a reason
C. He will know how desperate you are
Step 7: Don't linger in the past
If you're hoarding pictures from your past relationship, pick two of you favorites and burn the rest. Or shred, rip, destroy them however you like. The two you keep find a box stick them in it and put it under your bed or closet where you won't find it for years.
Step 8: Don't do a group hang out on valentines
Bystanders will pity you and attendees will hit on you. It's kind of a lose-lose situation
Step 9: Only cry to fellow single ladies
Your best friend may be the person you tell everything to, but she's in a relationship. She won't get what you're going through even though she might have at some point. Couples get giddy with love and it's nauseating, they just pour out love. Don't succumb to the trap.
Step 10: Just don't get out of bed
Sleep in late, catch up on some TV, be lazy. Don't think that you should try and get so much done because you have a whole day. You won't and then you will feel like a failure. Take in some deep breaths and if you really can't relax try yoga.
Note: This 'How To' is not proven to produce any results of happiness on valentine's day. It is merely a guide for you to not dive into the realm of love on this tragic holiday. Stay single, stay proud.
Note of the note: This is a work of fiction, don't take it too seriously.
There's decorations, couples, love in the air. Don't go out there, it will suck you in, like a cult.
Step 2: Don't give your friends valentines
You're not 12, nor in love. It makes you seem sad so just don't do it.
Step 3: Don't watch romantic comedies
Stick to a nice action movie, like fast and the furious or hunger games (yes there's love but mainly the premise to stay alive)
Step 4: If you must watch a sappy movie, cry to it
No judgement, it's just you, your teddy and maybe a few cats watching the movie with you. Throw some chocolates when the man lies. It's very therapeutic.
Step 5: Don't buy candy
Unless you want to eat it all in a day and then carry that self-loathing for weeks. Don't do it. You don't need chocolate or a man to make you happy.
Step 6: Don't call your ex
A. You shouldn't still have his number
B. You broke up for a reason
C. He will know how desperate you are
Step 7: Don't linger in the past
If you're hoarding pictures from your past relationship, pick two of you favorites and burn the rest. Or shred, rip, destroy them however you like. The two you keep find a box stick them in it and put it under your bed or closet where you won't find it for years.
Step 8: Don't do a group hang out on valentines
Bystanders will pity you and attendees will hit on you. It's kind of a lose-lose situation
Step 9: Only cry to fellow single ladies
Your best friend may be the person you tell everything to, but she's in a relationship. She won't get what you're going through even though she might have at some point. Couples get giddy with love and it's nauseating, they just pour out love. Don't succumb to the trap.
Step 10: Just don't get out of bed
Sleep in late, catch up on some TV, be lazy. Don't think that you should try and get so much done because you have a whole day. You won't and then you will feel like a failure. Take in some deep breaths and if you really can't relax try yoga.
Note: This 'How To' is not proven to produce any results of happiness on valentine's day. It is merely a guide for you to not dive into the realm of love on this tragic holiday. Stay single, stay proud.
Note of the note: This is a work of fiction, don't take it too seriously.
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